35.35

35.35
35.35

35.35

I woke at dawn
before the sun came up
went to the bathroom
brushed out my beard
and started trimming
and my head hair too

I don’t particularly like trimming
but when I cut my hair two years ago for my 33rd birthday
I cut about an inch a week
and I could tell my hair was much happier/healthier because of it
so decided I should kinda trim regularly this time around
I thought right at the new moon in cancer would be a great time
conjunct mercury too
and at day break
how perfect!

I showered
and dressed (the first suit Koos made me, he just gave it back yesterday after fixing it)
I pumped up my bike tires
as I’ve not been riding it since I got the tire fixed ( . . . )
then headed out

I decided to go to the east river
so I could see the sun rise

the only access to the river on that side is a little park called Sherman Creek
which is surrounded by power plants
which always makes me feel really fucking terrible
. . . something about the way it fucks with my energy field, I’m sure
but I went down to the water and greeted the day
and gave my hair clippings to the estuary. . .

I was very disturbed, though
there was trash everywhere
and someone had popped the cap off the fire hydrant and it was just pumping thousands of gallons into a storm drain that was emptying directly into the estuary
so I called 311
long tedious reporting
but
what a waste!

and chicken bones and take out containers and water bottles

ugh
oh well
thanks water

I got back on my bike and started riding. . . where?
well
I’ve never gone down the east side bike path (well, once on foot. . . and only part way. . . the other time on accident from the south. . . on foot)
but I had forgotten that
it’s not very nice
vet close to the road
all bumpy
and all the bridges were under construction

everyone I passed was walking
not jogging
black ladies who looked pissed off

well, hello there

I rode the ramp to 155th st
because that was my only option
then rode across the island to the west side bike path
I had a moment of bliss going over an old cobble stone section near a grave yard
then down a steep decline
wind in my hair
over a little bridge
down old wooden stairs
I decided to go south
maybe I’ll ride around for a few hours. . .

but I quickly hit the part I’d seen from the train and the car
west west harlem area
where hundreds of families have cookouts

it looked like africa
the outskirts
or a favela
it was just a fucking field of trash
for hundreds of feet

fucking animals
I hate these people

I imagined some ladies saying to each other "you know, it’s not very nice row there right now, mmm hmm"
not realizing it was they who were responsible for their own shit

I thought of the conversation I once heard my father have with a hunter
talking about the fucking liberals who have limited how many pheasant they can kill. . . they used to kill tons!
. . . but you know. . . you just don’t see as many as you used to anymore, huh, I wonder why

totally blind to our own actions
polluting and destroying the world around us

I wonder how you tame people?
if education fails
how do you keep them in line?
oh, yeah, I remember, Religion.

my mind fell into some thought of the Messiah as a conscious soul who was helming the ship for a period of time
messianic generations
and how I had a messiah complex as a kid
but was made clear by etheric brings that I was not the messiah
because what I wanted to do with this human story was make it all Stop.

always been a bit of a misanthropist

i turned around at about 145th and headed towards home
just north of the trash fields
I saw a guy walking into the bushes
my mind, of course, suspects it might be a cruising area
I park my bike and follow him in
nope, just a Chinese guy taking a shit
sorry guy

I walk back to where I parked my bike and saw tons of fresh mulberries!
ripe and dark and neglected
I ate about thirty
best I’ve had all year
and there was a raspberry bush there too!
some ripe berries there as well, not many, early yet
but I was grateful for it
then sad, again, that that chapter of my nyc is over. . .
spending the summer naked down by the river eating as many raspberries as I could desire and tons of mulberries

all been "cleaned up" now. . .

I rode just north of the bridge and took a path down to the water
there was poison ivy everywhere
not very welcoming

but it was clear why
there was human shit everywhere
feces
tons and tons of beer cans
and fishing line
oh yes, the fishermen

they must throw fish parts around
coz the whole area smelled like rotting fish
and human shit
lovely

I just wanted to enjoy the view
but
back in my depression again
everything stacked up into heavy disappointments that made my misanthropy smolder

the fucking sludge of civilization

I sent some heytells to Koos and tony
they both sounded sad by how sad I was
which made me feel worse

I got back on my bike a rode home
up the hills
round the bend
down dykeman, down broadway
up 193
which also smelled like shit
and tons of water running down the street

"you know I hate this fucking town"
I was sad
I used to love nyc so much
people would talk about leaving in the summer
and I never felt the need to
but
now I’m hating it

I’m back home
I’m going to try to go back to sleep
I only slept four hours
maybe I’ll wake up and not be in such a foul mood

oh well
happy new moon.

-/-

it took a while to get to sleep

I texted Craig telling him I was in no shape to meet today

I woke around 1:30
feeling stuffy
but noticing my smell was still sensitive
sometimes I go through periods where I have a very acute sense of smell
did it have something to do with the hair cutting?
or the electrical fields?

Craig had texted back saying he hoped I felt better soon
but that he was really horny
and if I was feeling better he could still come over
so I said
Come Over

I drank some tea and cleaned up
ate a bit of oil

when Craig arrived
he stripped and lay on my bed
I admired him for a while
but he pulled me to him

and yeah
good sex eradicates depression
when he left I was feeling all happy and energetic and content

I lay around in bed
playing with my iPad and decided to turn off my birthday on Facebook
. . . I assume that will stop the thousand "happy birthdays"
when I’m like this
they make me want to explode

a few friends who actually know me sent me text messages, or private messages, or emails or posted on FB
"aren’t you a gemini? when did you become a cancer?"
I explained: I changed my FB birthday to today one day before the anniversary of the day I was born, June First
today is my progressed solar return
I started doing this "celebrating as many days as I am years" thing when I turned 23. . . which is was when my sun progressed into cancer: I wanted to perform a ritual transformation
. . . I’ve been doing my best to settle into my more emotional way of living since then
there has been a marked difference
even though its not pleasant right now
I am grateful for it

anyway
short time between Craig leaving and a client arriving (a cancer!)
I massaged him
I always enjoy massaging
I’ll have to set up some trades in TN
I’m sure there are people down there who are good (right?)
I really need a massage

after he left
I realized I hadn’t eaten anything today
I ate too much yesterday and really felt sick because of it
I don’t like eating much in the heat
though I was hungry
I liked the Fasting On The New Moon thing

now I’m on the train heading to the Barrow Street Theater to see
After The Beginning. Before The End.
a one man show. . .
a storytelling
by Daniel Kitson
Tony and I saw something by him two years ago that told the life of two people
one from birth to death, the other from death to birth. they passed on a bus once, that was their interaction
I think the only thing on stage with him was light bulbs hanging from wires
he would walk around and they would light up and he would describe the moment they represented

I loved it
I’m excited to see tonight’s
and recommend it
if you can get tickets

. . .

on the train
I saw two gay guys get on
one was a big one
the little one got off after a few stops
the big one was in a medical boot
and had a cane
but was also festering in anxiety
clenching his toes in his sandal and boot
fidgeting constantly

a sensitive lad
I fear I’ll turn into that kind of mess if I don’t get out of here

I’ve not worked well with NYC
though I have not entirely given up on it right now
I need some space to see if its workable
I’m going to go live in a forest and be off the Internet for a few months

yes, I’ll probably posting stuff on occasion
but I won’t be on it daily

and I don’t imagine I’ll be in relationship as much as I am here
but we’ll see how that plays out

there are a few people I know and like down there
but they are busy people

but that place is a vortex
so who knows what will manifest

mostly
I want quiet and solitude.

. . .

the last two times I’ve been on the subway I’ve sat across from a black person who has a coat over their head
trying to sleep
or hide
I keep thinking
"I can see you"

. . .

the show was entirely different
and he’s from Yorkshire and lives in London
not Scottish at all
today’s show was comedy
apparently more what he usually does
but still
it felt like being in a philosophy class
or a therapy session
or reading my journal
but cleverer
I laughed a lot

there were many gems in his ramble
. . . I recorded it

after
Tony and I walked around
got coconut water
sat on the citi-bikes because the park was closed
(fucking parks closing, fucking obscene)
we talked
and back pedaled
I kept smelling the pizza from Joe’s
and realized my sense of smell being so acute is probably just from the fact I haven’t eaten anything today
it reminds my why I don’t fast in nyc
there are way too many smells
the nasty ones
and all the delicious food
it’s torture
. . . where fasting in a forest isn’t

but damn
in hungry

Tony is good
he’s really good at staying solid when I’m windy

we made plans
and said goodnight

I was going to walk to the 1
but tried an app I discovered on my phone but never used
and saw it was not going all the way up

so the A train it is

I’m terribly tired now
I can feel it in my kidneys

I’ll be home soon
and will sleep
I think

though I do want to change the sheets first
we’ll see

but
until next year

Good Night.

Posted by dominicvine on 2013-07-09 06:08:48

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